Why do I do that to myself?

I sit here late at night not able to sleep. You may ask me why I can’t sleep. Army wives know certain things we should do, shouldn’t do and things we just do automatically. We mentally go over the knock at the door scenario, men in uniform, the chaplain, all coming to give bad news. We wonder if we will collapse, if we will scream…. It is a bit morbid but some how we think that if we think it over, get the picture in our head we will be able to endure if it happens. We don’t start the day planning to think this over, it just comes. I was reading the news. 4 American soldiers were killed in Southern Afghanistan by a roadside bomb. Was it my American soldier in Southern Afghanistan? Was it my husband of 22 years, my friend of 28 years, the father of my 3 children? They say they won’t release the exact place until they notify the family. So they haven’t notified yet, so I could get the knock on the door. The next paragraph in the articles was the next worst attack was in Zabul province in January. That was the pressure sensitive bomb that took my husband’s friend. Seeing that makes it all even more real. Thinking about that makes my stomach hurt, makes tears come to my eyes and I don’t think my mental preparations are going to turn out to be helpful. I emailed my soldier to ask if he got the boxes I recently sent to him. I don’t want to say “please email me because I can’t sleep until I know you are safe”. Why did I do that to myself? Why did I have to read the article about Afghanistan?

**He emailed me the next day and he got his packages I sent :) **